.:The Past Haunts Me:.

I hate this feeling I get in my gut when I think of it happening.
I hate the fact that I could have stopped it if I had only tried harder.
I hate knowing that it was my fault.
I hate, just hate everything that's happened between them.
I hate her.
I hate him more.

I hate myself to death.

I've died inside because of their actions.
I committed suicide because of mine.
I smile today because I pushed it all away.
Yet it lurks in the shadows of my smile only to leap and kill me again.

It hurts him to see me like this.
It kills me to have him hurt.
It's a vicious circle that doesn't have an end.

I want to take it all back.
I want to change how I acted, make him realize how much I did love him then.
How much I do love him now.

It was too late.

He had moved on.
Found another one to occupy his thoughts and well being.
I see her everyday in his eyes and it pains me that he's in her heart.
I want to rip him out of her heart and tell her he's always been mine.

But for that one moment I lost him.

In that one moment she found him.

In that one moment he was gone from my life and I felt dead inside.

I didn't want to be alive.
I have him now, yes, but now I'm always looking over my shoulder.
I look even moreso than before when no one was there.

He thinks that I've gotten better when I've only just begun.

I can't tell him this because I want him to be happy.
When he's happy I forget about all the bad and everything is bright for me again.

I need his attention like a sick puppy that's been found on the streets.

When he isn't there, I die all over again.
Mind wandering, wondering where he is, who's he's with, who he's talking to.


If it's her?


I'm not strong enough to make this go away like they have.
They weren't on this recieving end like I was, no matter what words they can utter to say that they were.


Make it go away.